Crash Analysis: CRYPTZ (2002)

A no good hood

Like VAMP but without the bite 

Danny Draven’s Book of the Dead, about independent horror filmmaking, is an excellent must-have reference. The DVD of his film CRYPTZ, however, isn’t worthy of being used as a coaster for drinks.

Like VAMP (1986), a comedy/horror favorite for many, the story takes place in a vampire “sponsored” nightclub, which is simply a web to catch flies. And that’s about all one needs to know. VAMP, however, with the ever wild Grace Jones, is full of laughs and jolts within the confines of a solid narrative, but CRYPTZ, thanks to its characters, just stands there. In fact, if you watch the movie, see how often characters stand around and do absolutely nothing from scene to scene. Quite often, we go from talking head spot to another. This alone made the production look like a dispassionate high school play after the funding had been stripped away. And to slow things down a whole lot more, slow motion camera work plagues this feature on a grand scale – and the mind-numbingly weak motion brings what little story there is to a screeching halt.

Choice Skinner, as protagonist Tymez Skwair, never came off as a young man. However, Rick Irvin (Fuzzy Down) and Denis Waller (Likrish) did have their moments, though their over-the-top comedy business at the club was way, way too much. I only wish Fylicia Renee King (Skwair’s mom) had much more screen time.

One of the worst moments: Tymez Skwair gets his tattooed carved out of his chest, but the flaying takes place on his left breast, though the wound appears on his right breast throughout the picture. Yikes.

Something this bad might be a fun romp for laughs, but with the characters being extremely inactive, CRYPTZ sits like a pile of rotting meat.

The half-star goes to Ms. King.

0.5 out of 5 stars

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