Crash Analysis: NURSE 3D (2013)

Your 1960’s Smut Cover Made Real

If you haven’t seen the enticing posters or heard the notorious whispers, Douglas E4AFFC69ACCF-2646
Aarniokoski’s NURSE 3D is the horror movie you should watch if like some sex-laced spice with your carnage. See it now. Um, nurse’s orders…

The film stars the amazing Paz de la Huerta (translation: Orchard Peace. How cool of a name is that?), the woman who gained attention thanks to Gaspar Noé’s ENTER THE VOID (2009). As nurse Abby Russell, she rocks the role with enough confidence and drive to take over the planet. And in Zaldy’s retro-fetish nurse outfit, she exudes sex with every tantalizing step.

Regardless of what you may have heard, this is not a soft porn flick, but a quirky fantasy horror as if Aarniokoski and co-writer Doug Loughery had lifted the idea from a 1960’s smut cover – you know, the lurid paperbacks full of ridiculous purple prose that the American government had tried without success to shut down. Sonsabitches. NURSE 3D involves Nurse Abby’s tale of maybe not so twisted justice against cheating husbands and unappreciative boyfriends. To keep with the noir take the film conjures, we even get witty narration from de la Huerta, which matches the equally witty dialogue. But her simple world of destroying adulterous men is upended by ingénue nurse, Danni (Katrina Bowden), when she enters the hospital, and here lies the crux of the tale: Abby’s goal is to take down slimy men, but her real adversary may be the hot blonde she wants to get oh so close to.

Aarniokoski delivers on all fronts with a killer tale interwoven with quirky characters and their never-ending exchanges, including Judd Nelson as an abuse-of-power surgeon, the stand her ground Niecy Nash, Boris Kodjoe as the detective who doesn’t play, Corbin Bleu as the stand up EMT, and even Kathleen Turner as the head nurse (with no Jessica Rabbit costume in sight). Even Katrina Bowden has the opportunity to take what would otherwise be a stock character of goody-two-shoes sensibility and turn her into someone vibrant and almost as unforgiving as the conniving and holier than thou Nurse Abby.

Although the film’s tone is in opposition to his dystopian THE DAY, Aarniokoski proves that he can create one Hell of a tale that delivers high quality to audiences. A comedic tone does weave its way through the film, which borders on funny but never stupid. Otherwise, NURSE 3D is fast, fun and often relentless in its butchery, which should satisfy the gore hound crowd. In addition, the practical and makeup effects are spot-on.

The only negative is that Aarniokoski shot the film in 3D. This means the CGI effects, once squashed to 2D, look abysmal as it does for most films (remember the PIRANHA remake and those silly fish?). Yes, this is a major distraction – and disappointment. However, the great outweighs the ridiculous, and NURSE 3D reigns supreme.

The rumor, thanks to Paz de la Huerta’s Twitter comment, “RT if u want a Sequel to Nurse 3D” is that a sequel may be in the works. Only time will tell, but even the great people at http://www.horror-movies.ca/ are trying to stir the bedpan, and that’s a fabulous thing. My only hope is that Aarniokoski will leave the 3D gimmick behind and move forward with de la Huerta at her sexy and bloody best.

4 out of 5 stars

(Photo from Myetshin.)

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